So I wake up today and I see my good friends Whale and Sainter on my patio. For those of you who don't play midstakes poker, Whale and Sainter are my #1 fans - Whale hates me more than anyone else I know and Sainter owns me more than anyone else online. I'll let them decide who is the male and who is the female. They had never ventured this far from the water before.
So I step outside, and what do I see? Oh look! They left me a present! Words could not describe my disgust when I saw this unbelievably huge deuce in front of the kitchen sliding door. For the city clickers out there, the typical goose poo is like 1/2" in diameter. Granted, we have a pretty lush yard, and stuff is falling from the trees all the time. But WTF are they eating to cause this crap to be so enormous? I'm afraid to go look at my lawn now. I could have sworn I heard one of the geese say "Oh Truuuee" as he was leaving my patio.
This prompted me to go online ASAP and order a coyote decoy and some professional repellent spray. I had asked Mrs. Fly to do this, but she kept forgetting. Maybe she secretly enjoys laughing her ass off when I have to go and clean all the craps up, and didn't want to kill her entertainment. Anyway, the one I ordered is to the left. Not sure how scared I would be of a quadriplegic coyote - hopefully these geese won't realize that a coyote with no legs won't be able to chase them anywhere - they are just dumb birds after all. But I guess they had to remove the legs so it won't blow over in the wind (like the owl). I think I'll name him Stumpy. Just counting the days until I see Whale and Sainter call my bluff and crap all over Stumpy. Hopefully, they'll remember I'm a nit and nits don't bluff. All-in!
I really hope this works because if it doesn't, then it's time for me to go Kraven the Hunter on those geese (a Spiderman villain for those of you not into comics). All the skimpily clad PETA model protesters won't be able to keep me from going ape on these geese. Well, now that I think about it, maybe a few of them could "talk" me out of it. Maybe.