The most memorable thing that happened on our trip wasn't related to seeing any of the sights. It was enjoying a nice glass of wine with some good friends of ours in CT, staying over their house and enjoying the fruits of their hospitality, and discovering from them that our eldest son told their daughter how to find nude photos on the internet. Seriously?!? Where in the world would he learn to use the internet for something like... porn?!? (Eh hem) That's right. G. Future pornographer.
Apparently, a few years back, G also told their daughter the "F" word. Of course we were mortified. But the wife was laughing about it the whole time (in her cute nervous kind of way). But after the initial shock, I just figured, well, this sort of thing was going to happen... eventually. I just didn't think it would happen when my son was not yet 9 years old! After some fact-gathering, it's not like he's some kind of sexual deviant (I think). He just finds naked asses funny. Like when we went to the Met (art museum) in NYC, he thought the nude statues in the atrium were hilarious and was taking pictures of the asses. G. Future Ass Master.
So basically he was going on his itouch and doing searches in Safari. Apparently a friend (with an older brother) taught him how to do the searches and being the dutiful friend, he felt it necessary to teach others. Especially a close old friend. G. Future apostle.
I was little apprehensive about finding out what sort of things my son was searching for. There are just a lot of gross, creepy and bizarre things on the internet (this blog included). The searches I found were "Selena Gomez naked" and "Victoria Justice naked." And then my "concern" grew to "relief" and a touch of "pride." Damn! He's got good taste. Daddy gives you the invisible high five, buddy!!! Because when you think about the spectrum of things it would have been, this is up there with "Little Mermaid naked." Mmm... mermaid jail bait... Crap! I forgot Mrs. Fly reads the blog. If I don't post for a while, you'll know why. Send me some flowers at Texas Presbyterian Hospital.
So here is my top 5 list of things I would not want to see on my son's itouch:
5. "How to make a younger brother disappear." I don't think this needs an expanation.
4. "DoubleFly's Guide to Horse Porn." Ditto.
3. "Justin Bieber naked." Sure Mrs. Fly is a fag hag and has dozens of gay friends. I have gay friends. And although there are times that I think my sons should be outlawed from procreating, I would like to see some grandkids one day.
2. "Decaying asses of dead people." Yes. Necrophelia is worse than being gay, says the registered Republican. But not by much... I'm just kidding LDO! My sister a few years back implied I was somewhat of a homophobe. I was like Wat?!? I used to work with gay architects all the time and I'm comfortable in their company. But it's just like being a vegetarian or going into the clergy. I can get along with vegans and pedophiles... oops I mean clergy. But all things being equal, there are probably more fun people to hang around. Personally, I think the alternatives are so much more attractive, but whatever grown people want to do that isn't breaking any laws doesn't bother me.
1. "Nikki Minaj naked." There's just something about this woman I find incredibly repulsive. Worse than a dead person? Yes - because I would have to kill myself. Aagh! My eyes!!! (I know nothing about her obviously.) And it's not like I find women of color unattractive (ie Vanessa Williams, Beyonce, Halle Berry (in an overrated kind of way), etc.). But surely this woman can't serioulsy think she is hot? Must be the Lil Kim disease. Stevie Wonder, Jose Feliciano, and Nikki Minaj - three prominent blind singers. Ooh... so nasty. I need to take a shower.
So basically, we had a talk with G that it's okay to be curious but that looking at nude pictures is inappropriate. Also telling other kids how to do such questionable things may not be socially appropriate. Now that we know he knows how to use the internet, we supervise it more carefully. But just in case, I'm going to reserve some vanity plates for my son when he turns 16: